Ladies, I implore you. When the Phillies return from the 10-day road trip they began last evening in Tampa [or St. Pete? Where in the world do the Rays play? To be honest, it looks like a Dharma Station to me], I beg of you to do all of Phandom a favor…
Please, do not allow them back into their homes. As you are painfully aware, the Phillies have the best road record in all of baseball at 23-9, and they only added to it by pasting the Rays and their cowbell swingin’ fans 10-1 last evening. On the flipside, they also have the worst home record in all of baseball, 13 and 22, which was only made worse by the 1-8 homestand that just mercifully ended. As a matter of fact, since Ben Franklin formed the Phillies on July 4th, 1776, they’ve only had four other homestands as bad.
So you see, Ryan, Jimmy, Chase, Cole, Jamie and all the rest, they can not sleep in their own beds for the remainder of the season. Clearly, they play better after a night’s sleep on a Westin mattress.
As a matter of fact, to really do this right, it would be best if you would avoid feeding them home cooking. Force them to go to all you can eat buffets, and in the case of the relief pitchers, they can only eat fast food tacos [see episode 2 of “The Pen”].
I understand this will be a hardship on you and your families, as a family man myself, I understand that. But the Delaware Valley and all of the Phillies fans far and wide across this great nation need you to come up big right now.
